As we head into a bit of a lull before the big mid-season premieres, the mind of this toobaholic began to wander into strange and bizarre territory. As two of my favorite shows Lost and Mad Men are both on hiatus at the moment, I miss being mesmerized every Sunday night by Don Drapers’ uncomparable slickness as he continually figures out a way to “sell a hooker some p****,” as much as I miss watching Jack Shepards’ unparalelled arrogance get the Losties deeper and deeper into a pile of Dharma dung. And so I began to wonder, what would happen if Don Draper were to take one of those unanncounced vacays of his and wound up on the island? It would probably go down something like this…
- Our newest Lostie, stands up, brushes the sand off his Zegna suit and lights a cigarette, as Jack, Kate, Locke, Sawyer and the rest of the rag-tag gang look on in disbelief, suddenly incredibly self-conscious about their greasy locks and the tattered rags they’ve been wearing for the past 90 days or so. Don ignores Hurley’s frantic yelling that he’s not on the manifest, tells Claire to cancel the rest of his appointments for the day, and walks off with Kate, who finds herself following him despite herself, presumably to the Swan Hatch.
- Desmond and Don are sitting in front a fire on the beach, sharing a bottle of whiskey. Desmond is perplexed and equally creeped out by Don’s persistant questions regarding why he prefers MacCutheon’s brand of Whiskey.
- Jack and Locke are having another one of their regularly scheduled power struggles. Locke starts rambling about the island’s magical properties, only to be interuppted by Jack who launches into another one of his “live together, die alone” monologues. Don stands up, lights a cigarette and says he’s sticking with Jack, but insists he won’t be signing any contracts.
- Running low on cigarettes, Don has wisely struck up a friendship of necessity with Sawyer. But after catching Kate walking out of Don’s swinging New Otherton bachelor pad one morning, Sawyer sucker punches our Mad Man as he walks across the quad for some of Locke’s special Dharma oatmeal with island spices. Don, reels for a moment from the impact, calmly wipes the blood out from under his nose, and lights his last cigarette. As he mulls over his new conundrum of where to aquire smokes, the pulse of “Jaters” and “Skaters” everywhere quickens, as a new subset of “Daters” begins to mobilize on Lost fan sites.
- Jack and the gang are in a state of apprehensive joy as they ready themselves for the arrival of the Freighter folk to whisk them back to civilization. In preparation for his return to the advertising world, Don is drafting his great plan to save Oceanic…”Fly Oceaninc…You Never Know Where We’ll Take You!…..Oceanic, If Your Plane Crashes, We’ll Buy You a House!…”